Let Go and Move on to Create Your Beautiful Future!

Forgiveness is the release of resentment, bitterness, or anger. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. One doesn't have to return to the same relationship or accept the same harmful behaviors from an offender.

Forgiveness is vitally important for the mental health of those who have been victimized. It propels people forward rather than keeping them emotionally engaged in an injustice or trauma. Forgiveness has been shown to elevate mood, enhance optimism, and guard against anger, stress, anxiety, and depression.

Many people have misconceptions about what forgiveness really means—and they may eschew it. Others may want to forgive but wonder whether or not they truly can. Forgiveness does not necessarily come easily; but it is possible for many of us to achieve if we have the right tools and are willing to put in the effort. 

What Forgiveness is Not

Forgiveness is not pardoning, condoning, excusing an offense or forgetting about it. It is also not the same as reconciliation although that can occur as part of the forgiveness process.

Tolerating the situation or any form of denial and suppression of emotions that create more stress are also not effective forms of coping and forgiving. Pardoning is very much a legal concept like the administration of justice and also does not constitute forgiveness.

Condoning which justifies the offense, and excusing which implies shifting the blame, are no more than forms of self-deception that encourage a deeper sense of victimhood (McCullough, & Witvliet, 2002).

True forgiveness, however, is an individual and internal process and administration of justice is only an external solution to an internal event that rarely satisfies the complexities involved in the process. 

The Psychology of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a complex psychological construct and researchers who study forgiveness stress different aspects of it when they formulate their theories.

While forgiveness can be understood as a situational response and as a skill that can be learned, it is also influenced to a large extent by an aspect of one’s personality and as such termed as trait forgiveness.

Some of us are simply more forgiving than others and psychology attributes this to personality differences and other dispositional qualities that tend to be stable over time. 

Models of Forgiveness

There are several definitions of forgiveness that emphasize different aspects of it and represent many of the existing models of understanding and approaches to forgiveness.

Decision-based Forgiveness

DiBlasio (1998) emphasizes willful decision-making and forgiveness that is based on will power: Decision-based forgiveness is defined as the cognitive letting go of resentment and bitterness and need for vengeance. However, it is not always the end of emotional pain and hurt. Forgiveness here is viewed as an act of will, a choice to let go or to hold. People can separate their thoughts of resentment and bitterness from their feelings of hurt.

DeBlasio’s decision-based model is about cognitive letting go of resentment and bitterness but does not account for hurt feelings which often persist after the choice was made.

Cognitive Forgiveness

Another cognitive definition of forgiveness is based on the perspective that sees transgressions as violations of cognitive structures, like beliefs for example (Gordon et al., 2005). A cognitive approach to forgiveness employs standard cognitive therapy and psychodynamic therapy interventions to help people change their cognitions.

One such example is the cognitive model of Thompson, Snyder, Hoffman, and Rasmussen et al. (2005). They have proposed a definition of forgiveness as:

“the framing of a perceived transgression such that one’s responses to the transgressor, transgression, and sequelae of the transgression are transformed from negative to neutral or positive. The source of the transgression, therefore the object of forgiveness, may be oneself, another person or persons, or a situation that one views as being beyond anybody’s control like illness, fate, or a natural disaster.”

Emotional Forgiveness

Worthington (2006) defined true forgiveness as something that happens only when emotional forgiveness can occur because emotional replacement is necessary.

When emotional forgiveness is complete, the person will have replaced negative emotions associated with unforgiveness like anger, resentment, and vengefulness with positive emotions like empathy, compassion, sympathy, and altruistic love.

They argue that the change in emotional forgiveness, as it begins and moves toward completion, will be reflected most accurately by changes in emotions, not by changes in thoughts, motivations, or behavior, although those will often occur as well. 

Benefits of Forgiveness

It is not hard to imagine how it would be of enormous benefit to humanity to cultivate forgiveness as it is an antidote to our predisposition toward revenge and avoidance.

Historically, emotional forgiveness has been promoted predominantly in the spiritual arena. Over time it was included as part of treatment for trauma, and only recently recognized as an aspect of wellness in fields like positive psychology.

Research in positive psychology and elsewhere shows that outcomes of forgiveness that have been found to have an impact on overall wellbeing include:

1. Reduction in negative affect and depressive symptoms
2. Restoration of positive thinking
3. Restoration of relationships
4. Reduction in anxiety
5. Strengthened spirituality.
6. Raised self-esteem.
7. A greater sense of hope
8. Greater capacity for conflict management and
9. Greater ability to cope with stress and find relief.

Research shows that forgiveness training raises self-esteem and hope of people who’ve been hurt and lowers their anxiety.

The benefits of forgiving for individual wellbeing have been documented across a variety of domains including:

• Physical health (Harris & Thoresen, 2005; Worthington & Scherer, 2004),
• Mental health (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2000; Toussaint & Webb, 2005), and
• Life satisfaction (e.g., Karremans, Van Lange, Ouwerkerk, & Kluwer, 2003)

One study, published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, found that forgiveness not only restores positive thoughts, feelings and behaviors toward the offending party and restores the relationship to its previous positive state, but the benefits of forgiveness spill over to positive behaviors toward others outside of the relationship.

Forgiveness was also associated with other altruistic behaviors like volunteerism and donating to charity (Karremans, et al., 2005). 

Health Benefits

Forgiveness as an emotional and cognitive process is characterized by releasing of anger, and anger elsewhere has been proven to have negative physical, emotional, and cognitive consequences over time.

Inability to forgive was linked to anger and hostility, and those, in turn, have proven to have negative health effects, especially with regard to cardiovascular conditions. Forgiveness, on the other hand, was linked to positive emotions of empathy and compassion (Worthington & Scherer, 2004).

Forgiving people experience more life satisfaction and less depression than others. Finally, these studies have also shown that more forgiving individuals have a greater propensity to engage in reflective thinking and a lower tendency to engage in any type of rumination including:

• Ruminative depression which is a form of repetitive thinking experienced by depressed individuals,
• Brooding which is a form of critical thinking about the self or others, and
• Reflective rumination and contemplation of the roots for one’s feelings.

Reliving painful memories and harboring resentment has a negative effect on emotional well-being and physical health of those who choose to hold a grudge according to the research done by researchers at Hope College. (Witvliet, Ludwig, &Vander Laan, 2001).

Unforgiving responses of anger, blame, and hostility, as shown in other studies therein, contributed to poor health and specifically coronary heart disease. 

REACH method

One of the best ways to practice forgiveness is with the REACH method. REACH stands for Recall, Emphasize, Altruistic gift, Commit, and Hold. Here is a look at each step.

Recall. The first step is to recall the wrongdoing in an objective way. The goal is not to think of the person in a negative light nor to wallow in self-pity, but to come to a clear understanding of the wrong that was done. Visualize the person and situation and all the feelings that come with it. Don't push aside anything, especially if it makes you feel angry or upset.

Empathize. Next, try to understand the other person's point of view regarding why he or she hurt you, but without minimizing or downplaying the wrong that was done. Sometimes the wrongdoing was not personal, but due to something the other person was dealing with. People who attack others are sometimes themselves in a state of fear, worry, and hurt. They often don't think when they hurt others, and they just lash out.

Altruistic gift. This step is about addressing your own shortcomings. Recall a time when you treated someone harshly and were forgiven. How did it make you feel? Recognizing this helps you realize that forgiveness is an altruistic gift that you can give to others.

Commit. Commit yourself to forgive. For instance, write about your forgiveness in a journal or a letter that you don't send or tell a friend. This helps with the decisional side of forgiveness.

Hold. Finally, hold on to your forgiveness. This step is tough because memories of the event will often recur. Forgiveness is not erasure. Rather, it's about changing your reaction to those memories.

When the bad feelings arise, remind yourself that you have forgiven and ultimately you want good for the offender. If needed, revisit your commitment by reading your journal entries or letters, or recalling the shared conversation with a friend.

Forgiveness is like building muscles

Just as you would start slowly with a new physical exercise routine, it helps if you build up your forgiving muscles slowly. One way to get more comfortable with forgiveness is to practice small acts in everyday life. For example, if someone is rude or cuts you off in traffic, use that moment to recognize the wrong, realize it wasn't directed at you personally, and forgive him or her on the spot. This way you also can learn to immediately stop the negative reaction and the feelings that come with it.

Develop a forgiving mind through empathy

Scientists have studied what happens in the brain when we think about forgiving and have discovered that, when people successfully imagine forgiving someone, they show increased activity in the neural circuits responsible for empathy. This tells us that empathy is connected to forgiveness and is an important step in the process.

Recognizing that we all carry wounds in our hearts can help open the door to forgiveness.

Find meaning in your suffering

When we suffer a great deal, it is important that we find meaning in what we have endured. Without seeing meaning, a person can lose a sense of purpose, which can lead to hopelessness and a despairing conclusion that there is no meaning to life itself. That doesn’t mean we look for suffering in order to grow or try to find goodness in another’s bad actions. Instead, we try to see how our suffering has changed us in a positive way.

Call upon other strengths

Forgiveness is always hard when we are dealing with deep injustices from others. But if you want to forgive and are finding it hard, it might help to call upon other resources.

Forgiveness is a process that takes time, patience, and determination. Try not to be harsh on yourself but be gentle and foster a sense of quiet within, an inner acceptance of yourself. Try to respond to yourself as you would to someone whom you love deeply.

Surround yourself with good and wise people who support you and who have the patience to allow you time to heal in your own way. 

Forgive yourself

Most of us tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others and we struggle to love ourselves. If you are not feeling lovable because of actions you’ve taken, you may need to work on self-forgiveness and offer to yourself what you offer to others who have hurt you: a sense of inherent worth, despite your actions.

In self-forgiveness, you honor yourself as a person, even if you are imperfect. If you’ve broken your personal standards in a serious way, there is a danger of sliding into self-loathing. When this happens, you may not take good care of yourself—you might overeat or oversleep or start smoking or engage in other forms of “self-punishment.” You need to recognize this and move toward self-compassion. Soften your heart toward yourself. 

Developing a forgiving heart

When we overcome suffering, we gain a more mature understanding of what it means to be humble, courageous, and loving in the world. We may be moved to create an atmosphere of forgiveness in our homes and workplaces, to help others who’ve been harmed overcome their suffering, or to protect our communities from a cycle of hatred and violence. All these choices can lighten the heart and bring joy to one’s life.

Forgiveness is a phenomenal concept; it means let go completely. Forgive yourself. You cannot change what you did. You know, there are many people who wander around with tremendous feelings of guilt. Guilt and resentment are the most destructive emotions that anyone can experience.

We’ve got to learn to forgive ourselves. We’ve got to forgive others. We must realize that we can’t change what we did yesterday. Even if you did something deliberately wrong, let it go! And when it comes back into your mind, let it go again. If someone has done something to you, don’t have any resentment, let it go. That doesn’t mean you want to give them the opportunity to do it again. It’s just that you simply can’t hold bad thoughts in your mind and move in a good direction.

Forgiveness is one of the most liberating things you can ever do. Form the habit of not holding on to anything that is causing you to feel bad. Start loving yourself. Start respecting yourself. And have a healthy respect for what you are capable of doing.

Carrying bad thoughts about anyone or anything is not doing anyone any good. It’s destructive. Your bad thoughts may be burying your life, your career, your income. They may be burying your relationship or your friends.

Forgiveness will cause everything to grow. It will cause you to be healthier. It will cause your income to grow, your friends to grow, your business to grow. Just replace any thought of guilt or resentment with one of beauty, with one of abundance. Buckminster Fuller said, “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.”

See yourself where you want to be and then be there. Don’t be in the past. Act like the person you want to become!

Yours Loving  

Arjun Vijeth  

Peak Performance and Life Coach  

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